


Crushes and contemplation

by captaincrisis



Category: Backstage (TV 2016)
Genre: Beckett has daddy issues, Biphobia, Bisexual Beckett Bradstreet, Bisexual Male Character, Crushes, Don't Judge Me, Dramatic backstory because we love a good redemption arc, Heavy Angst, Homophobia, How Do I Tag, I'm Sorry, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, My First AO3 Post, Sexuality Crisis, toxic masculinity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-17 08:11:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14828616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captaincrisis/pseuds/captaincrisis
Summary: Sasha realizes that he has a crush on Beckett while Beckett contemplates his sexuality.





	1. All of his everything

**Author's Note:**

> This work is dedicated to my friends from That Hellhole We Used To Call School™, I hope HS is treating you guys well

”So?! Who is it?!” asked Carly. “Who’s your crush?”  
Carly gasped.  
“Is it Jenna?” she asked quietly.  
“What?! No!” said Sasha.  
“You sure?” probed Carly.  
Sasha thought for a moment. Should he tell her?  
“I... fine. Yes, I like Jenna!”  
“I knew it!” Carly exclaimed.  
Sasha smiled, but wished he could tell her the truth. Jenna was the only one who knew about it. Although most people didn’t, Sasha trusted her. He would never tell anyone about her distant father, or her dysfunctional family life, so he trusted her to keep this a secret.  
Jenna had freaked out when he told her about Beckett. Not about the whole gay part, but about the fact that Sasha, Keaton’s gossip queen, had a crush on the most self-indulged dancer to walk the earth, whose toxic masculinity could kill thousands.  
“He’s not self-indulged!” Sasha had said. “He’s just...confident.”  
God, was he crushed out. Sasha hadn’t been this infatuated since Steven Oakwood from eighth grade. That was back when Sasha had first started to question his sexuality. He had never felt anything “special” towards girls, just that they were cool people, way easier to talk to than boys. When Steven came around, the realization hit Sasha like a truck. He’d always liked boys, but he hadn’t realized that he liked them as more than just friends. Sasha didn’t find it too hard to accept himself, but he wasn’t ready to come out to the whole world yet.

 

Beckett sat alone near a big maple tree in Keaton’s courtyard. He was staring into space, deep in thought. His brow was furrowed, and his lips were pressed together. He was feeling emotions he didn’t know, and that pissed him off. Beckett hated emotions. Emotion was weakness, his dad had always told him. He hated the man, but he was at least right on this one. Emotions made Beckett feel weak—no, they made him weak. For some reason the word “feel” invalidated it all. Made his statements meaningless. Most feelings, Beckett could deal with. Sadness and fear could be masked with anger and rage. Anxiety could be shoved deep down under his steel exterior. He had his own ways of covering up his emotions, his own methods of seeming masculine. It was hard enough being a male dancer. He had to play it cool, be tough, have muscle, or else people would think he was gay. As a kid he was always afraid that he would end up being gay, as he was a late bloomer when it came to crushes. He was deeply relieved when he started to notice girls in that way. But now, he wasn’t so sure. His father always demanded that he man up, that he couldn’t dance the female part, couldn’t dance with other boys. His mother and father used to argue all of the time about his dancing, his father always yelling about masculinity, masculinity, masculinity. His father had wanted to pull him out of dance, but his mother had refused. He would never show it, but he was eternally grateful for his mother’s persistence. His father yelled at him when he cried, so he replaced tears with choreography and danced. That was the only way he knew how to express himself. The only way he knew how to deal with the emotions that he hated so much. But this? This was a new feeling, some kind of warped combination of shame, longing, anxiety, sadness, terror, and embarrassment. This would be hard to shove down. He couldn’t just dance it away. He couldn’t deny it any longer. He was past denial. He was done hiding everything. He had to face the confusing reality. Beckett wasn’t gay. But he wasn’t straight either.


	2. Silent tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beckett dances and is sad and Sasha sees him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hahaha I updated I’m proud of myself have fun reading more angst!

When Sasha danced, Beckett’s heart felt like it was going to burst. It should have felt bad, he knew that what he was feeling was wrong, but when Sasha danced, Beckett couldn’t take his eyes off of him. He was so passionate, so open, so free. Beckett would never admit it, but he felt envious of him. Sure, Sasha didn’t have much muscle, he wasn’t very masculine, and he hung out with the girls, but he wasn’t afraid of being judged. He would just dance, in that graceful, passionate way that he always did. Beckett knew from personal experience that no one was without insecurity, but Sasha didn’t seem to hide anything from the world. Beckett wanted that courage, to be himself and accept himself. But he couldn’t. Not with this. It wasn’t like he could just walk up to Sasha and ask him out, like he would with a girl. He couldn’t even flirt with him. It was just—different. It shouldn’t have been, but for some reason it just was. If Beckett was being honest, the first person he would think to confide in with something like this would be Sasha, and that certainly wasn’t happening. Plus, was Sasha even gay? Was Beckett? He had no idea. All he knew for sure was that telling anyone was a terrible idea. If it got out that Beckett wasn’t the confident, masculine man that everyone thought he was, he’d be ruined. He’d probably lock himself in his room and never come out. But that didn’t change the fact that being around Sasha made him feel wonderful. But that wonder turned into anger, because he shouldn’t feel wonderful. He should feel ashamed, he should feel terrible. His feelings were wrong. He was weak, he was stupid, he was disgusting. He wanted to rip his heart out and step on it. Bang! Beckett kicked over a chair in the empty practice room. He felt tears in his eyes, and he started to dance. No music, no choreography, just Beckett Bradstreet, dancing alone like an idiot. He felt stupid, dancing all alone without music, but he didn’t dare stop. This was all he knew, the only thing that he could ever trust. Pirouettes won’t tell the world your secrets. Arabesques don’t expose your flaws. Dancing had always been his friend, his guide. Dancing was there for him when no one else was, through every single one of his ups and downs. This was the only way that he could truly feel things without being ashamed. Beckett danced and danced until every muscle in his body was throbbing in pain. He stopped, lying on the ground panting.  
Suddenly, Beckett heard clapping from the door.  
“Dude, that was amazing.” said a voice.  
Beckett jumped up in panic, with a terrified expression on his face. He didn’t dare speak, he didn’t dare look Sasha in his soft, dark eyes. He couldn’t.  
“Are you okay?” Sasha asked, tilting his head slightly. Beckett felt tears coming. He tried with all of his willpower to choke them back, but suddenly they were pouring everywhere and Beckett was sobbing. His face was red from embarrassment. Why him? Why here? And why Sasha?  
“Beckett, if you ever want to, I don’t know, talk or something, I’d be happy to,” Sasha said, walking towards him.  
“I don’t need your help, I’m fine!” Beckett snapped. But he wasn’t fine. He hadn’t eaten all day, and his vision was getting fuzzy. His head hurt, and he felt himself fall to the ground with a soft thud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Sorry it’s so short


	3. More angst?(aka I Can’t Title)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There’s some confrontation and some tears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aha I posted chapter three finally

Sasha ran over to Beckett.  
“Beckett?” he said, nudging him. “Holy crap,” he muttered to himself. Sasha tried to process what had just happened. Beckett had been dancing angrily, without music or anything, Beckett started sobbing, then yelled at Sasha and passed out? Sasha took a deep breath and tried to work out what he should do. He looked out the doorway and saw Mr. Park down the hall.  
“Mr. Park?” Sasha said to him apprehensively. “Uh, Beckett passed out.”  
“Oh my god,” replied Park. He ran into the room and Sasha followed him. There, sitting on the ground was a dazed looking Beckett Bradstreet. He blinked a couple times and looked up at Park.  
“What happened?” Beckett asked tiredly.  
“You blacked out, buddy.” Park told him gently, crouching down near him. “Did you hit your head? Does anything hurt?”  
“No, I-“ Beckett looked up at Sasha. He had a look of exasperation of his face. Sasha thought he saw more tears hiding behind Beckett’s deep brown eyes. Sasha’s heart sank. What was that look supposed to mean? Did Beckett not want him there? Should he leave? If Beckett didn’t hate him before, he certainly did now. Sasha shouldn’t have asked if Beckett “ever wanted to talk”. God, Sasha was such an idiot. He turned to leave and felt tears coming. He took a deep breath and blinked them back. This was okay. He was used to this. Straight guys didn’t like it when guys like Sasha talked to them. This was normal. But somehow, it felt worse with Beckett. Stupid crushes. Of all of the things that Sasha could be worried about right now, he had to choose this. A stupid crush that he’d probably forget about a year from now.

 

Beckett looked down at his lunch. He should probably eat, considering the fact that he had just passed out an hour ago, but Beckett felt sick to his stomach. He looked up. Sasha was sitting alone by a tree. Beckett assumed that Jenna was probably practicing for the CAMDAs with Carly, but somehow Beckett felt like it was his fault that Sasha was all alone. Sasha looked up at Beckett and they both locked eyes. Immediately, they both looked back down. Beckett hid his face behind his hand. God, he was so embarrassed. He’d sobbed, passed out and yelled at his... crush? It was weird to call Sasha that. Crushes were innocent, normal things that implied cute, flirty interactions, and shy smiles. But this wasn’t innocent. Besides, Sasha probably hated him now. But not talking about it wasn’t going to help anything. Beckett took a deep breath and stood up. He started to walk towards the spot where Sasha was sitting.  
“Uh... hi.” Beckett mumbled. He and Sasha looked at each other and immediately looked down, just like before.  
“Sorry you had to see that.”  
“I’m sorry I came in and bothered you, that was stupid.”  
“What? No! No, you have no reason to be sorry, I’m the one who fainted and,” Beckett cleared his throat awkwardly, “cried.”  
There was a beat of silence.  
“We all do it, you know.” Sasha added. “Cry, I mean.”  
“No.” Beckett replied. “I don’t. I shouldn’t. I’m not supposed to-“ Beckett could feel himself choking up, so he stopped talking.  
“It’s okay.” Sasha said after a moment. Beckett shook his head slowly.  
“No, it’s not. I’m not you, I can’t just-” Beckett could feel the lump in his throat get bigger. It was going to happen again. He was going to cry in front of Sasha, and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so angsty and short idk how to write anything else. I have no idea when chapter four will come but hopefully soon!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading my extremely short fic!!! There should be more coming soon


End file.
